While the world’s brightest and strongest toil away in Rio, you’re probably toiling away under the fluorescent lights of your office. There’s no shame in that. Just because you don’t have lats of steel or half a mine’s worth of precious metal around your neck doesn’t mean you aren’t an athlete in your own right. In fact, you kind of deserve a medal for just showing up to work every day and dealing with this cr — we mean, these events.
1. Reply-All roulette
You’ve trained your whole life for this. It’s the moment, right here, that matters. Just do it. Hit send! Why is the “Reply” button so close to the “Reply All” button? Because life is hard! Victory is for winners, and you will DEF get fired if you send this to your boss so be careful.
“I WENT TO COLLEGE WHY IS THIS SO HARD?”
2. Refrigerator Tetris
You need to put your lunch in the refrigerator. 24 other people in your department need to put their lunch in the refrigerator. THERE’S ONLY SO. MUCH. REFRIGERATOR. And everyone knows the freezer is not an option. Nothing but empty ice trays and a forgotten Lean Cuisine up there. (Note: This is a team sport.)
Bonus round: Jenga-ing your lunch back out at noon.
3. Meeting marathon
Sitting through an interminable meeting is like playing chicken with Father Time. Which will come first: The end of this meeting-that-could-have-been-an-email or the heat death of the universe? Looks like you’re going to have to sit and find out. Hope you brought energy gels.
“Day 65: Our future is fading in front of my very eyes. I can’t remember my children’s faces anymore. Tell them I love them.”
4. Synchronized cubicle jumping
The moment someone says “There’s cake in the break room!” every head in the office pops up like a prairie dog family that’s just smelled a coyote. No achievement, even the glory of the Olympic dream, represents a unified human goal more than a plate full of free food.
“Is…is it homemade?”
5. Olympic All-Around
You already have Katy Perry’s “Rise” on repeat and you’ve researched “cupping” wondering if inflicting giant hickeys on your body will get you even one infinitesimal step closer to Michael Phelps-level fitness (no). The real test is, how much of the Olympics can you lowkey watch without getting found out? Here’s where your vast skillset will be put to the test: Flex your window-minimizing finger. Perfect your Twitter scrolling. Get your headphones on. You’ll feel like a champion– or at least like you got away with something awesome.
(She has an entire spreadsheet dedicated to the men’s rugby tournament.)
If you need some help with that last one, check out all of CNN’s Olympics coverage. There are border-defying selfies, moments of triumph, and more on the whole cupping thing.